2014-01-30

Progressing with Self-Analysis

So, after further talks with my therapist, I'm becoming convinced that he's uncovering a definite pattern in my behaviour. The best defence is an utter lack of participation, or so I seem to tell myself.

It's true, I suppose. I know even consciously I've thought to myself that I'd rather not get involved when things get messy. It's a bit of egoism, because I imagine myself to be better than those filthy animals that choose to get involved in the mud and blood, tearing each other apart. They seem to act on instinct and without any civility.

The thing is, I'm using it as a shield to defend myself against a lot of good things. I think my whole life has been about pain avoidance instead of standing up and making real choices, and accepting the consequences. Or maybe I'm being dramatic.

(.. or maybe I'm NOT being dramatic and that "Or.." statement is another reflection of my unwillingness to stand behind my serious claims.)

Self analysis is tricky. The doctor who tries to heal himself has a P'tagh as a patient.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, onward and upward. No rest for the wicked.
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I'd like to examine my different roles further but using a tool gleaned from my therapy; namely with *positive* reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement.  I've always understood the difference intellectually (because they're rather obvious) but never really *felt* the difference before. I would talk about positive reinforcement in the past but it was a shallow specter of genuine positive reinforcement. The real reinforcement that has cropped up in my life is negative reinforcement and it drives me to a large degree but also makes me unhappy.

The real question now is .. what rewards will drive me?  I'm looking at the question in a new light now, that I can't easily describe.

If I can get a good reward system working, I can maybe build a real system for mechanistically pushing my motivation.

On top of that I'd like to start managing my budget.. to start paying for my tutor again!!  It will be nice to resume my studies in Quantum Mechanics (though I'm quite nervous).

Alright, I'm tired. Bedtime.

(I really should start planning to do this blog in the middle of the day when I'm not tired.)

Oh and I still plan to do videos as well, but maybe I'll put it off until I get this self-management under control. My therapy sessions are making me re-evaluate my approach to a lot of things in my life. (I don't know if I'm repeating myself now, as I'm typing this from a distance and can hardly make out the text.)

SO for next time, continue with breaking down my roles and start building them up again from the ground up, infusing the idea of positive reinforcement as well. And rewards. What drives me?

LALALALALALA

2014-01-12

Co-opted blog

So I'm visiting a therapist on a regular basis, let's call him Tom and let's call me Frank. (Names changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.)


He's attempting to teach me to be more mindful of the emotions that surge forth in me, where I'm still trying to figure out exactly what "mindful" means. It seems to be an almost entirely objective awareness of the emotions so that, rather than trying to suppress  (necessarily) or control them, I can direct them like the flow of a river.

I'm also attempting to acclimate myself to unfounded fears (like the fear of .. I'll just say it .. spontaneously urinating in public). Becoming acclimated is the first step. Once that's done, I can forget the fear entirely. Like managing the fear of jumping out of a plane by doing it over and over and over.

Who knows though, maybe I've got it all wrong.

The title of this blog entry is in reference to the fact that Tom has asked me to try and be aware of the emotions I'm feeling while I write my "script" for the first video of my second attempt at posting to YouTube; the continuation of my gravity project. I'm regretting that because I worry that by giving the project a second purpose (as a tool for self-analysis), I'll pull it away from the first (as a tool to help me learn Quantum Mechanics).

However, Alpha doesn't care. He's holding fast to the motto, Produce or Perish. I can hear him shouting it over and over like a mantra. He's having trouble fighting Yin, but then again.. I'm here aren't I?  Anyway, I have titled this blog "Self-Improvement and Quantum Mechanics" so I suppose it fits.

Alright so, Tom asked me to list my emotions when I am writing my first script. Here comes the script and I'll follow up with a listing of what I'm feeling, with the intention of practicing my skills at looking inward objectively.

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I don't want my first video of the second incarnation of the channel to be complex or fancy or (relatively) polished, as they were in the first incarnation. Instead it should just be me with a pencil, talking.

I basically just want to describe the goal of the channel and the major milestones:
  • Goal: Teach Quantum Mechanics clearly and explicitly, but through a bare-bones route from basic (highschool) math and algebra.
The major milestones are listed on that sheet of milestones I whipped up:

The image is rough but I'll post a clearer version (or hell, just write it out), later. Ultimately it will end up on the YouTube channel anyway.

Wow, that was shorter than I thought. I suppose I'm done for now. It's not a script but I don't want to use a script. Instead I want to get comfortable with just "presentation-talking", i.e. going over the stuff I want to talk about in a casual engagey manner to an audience. No second takes, but no second takes required.  I'll use the list of milestones and the goal listed above as my touchstones.

Otherwise it should look and feel a lot like the Khan Academy videos, but I don't want to explicitly mention that in the video either.

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Now to discuss my "inputs", the stuff being funnelled into my brain, everything I'm feeling. Again this is to get practice with inward-facing analysis.

I feel the chair beneath my bum, my legs and foot, my elbow. I feel the carpet through my other foot. I feel my arm against my tummy and the keyboard beneath my fingertips. I feel my tongue in my mouth, rough from eating throughout the day. I feel my tummy not at all hungry and in fact a bit full from the potato chips. I'm not thirsty but I desire cola. I imagine the cool of it going down my throat. Itches, scratches, random patches on my chin and because of my beard. Crap, now I feel other itches on my arm and head. Especially my head. I don't have to urinate right now and my bladder feels a bit sore from holding it in while I was just emerging out of sleep and too tired to pee this morning.

I hear the repetitive buzzing of my fan and my computer's fan. The clicking and clacking of the keys on the keyboard. I wonder if the voice in my head counts as "hearing" ?  The creaks and groans of my chair.  Is that someone hammering outside? At this time of night? Whatever it was, it's gone now. I commented on it because it registered in my memory from maybe a minute ago (now two). I hear my yawn and my body making those indescribable joint noises, halfway between a crack and a thump. Yup someone's hammering. Trying to deconstruct the room fan: there's the steady whine of moving air and several cyclic clicks of differing variety.

I don't taste much, but a bit of salt from the potato chips. Tongue is a bit burnt from a too-hot dinner. Being aware of my bladder like this makes me think more about urinating. Feel the wet in my eyes as I yawn more, and my eyes water.  Hear my fridge change gears to a now-audible pitch, which it does regularly.

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Okay I'm officially bored and I think I've captured all the input I possibly can at this point.

Despite the fact I'm working on self-improvement across the board, I want to keep setting aside time exclusively for gravity, so let's start doing that. I want to produce my first YouTube video next week. Despite my earlier suggestion, I do want to have some sort of list of topics to go through if not a complete script, to guide my casual chatting. I'll do that.. Wednesday, because I'll have the time.

Wednesday at 7:30pm. Sounds good. I'll mark my calendar.

2014-01-09

Skill Lists

I don't want to spend too much time setting this up. In the spirit of Produce or Perish, I'll jot it up quickly for the sake of getting it done.

I'm trying to order them in terms of relative priority. (With those higher being more important to me simply staying alive, and those lower being important for my goals but decreasing priority for keeping me alive.)

Lifeform    Modifier: +0 Critical
Skills: Budgeting (food, etc.), Basic cooking, basic meal-making, washing;  first aid?



Employee    Modifier: +1 Important
Skills: phone skills, technology skills (troubleshooting), email skills, knowledge of Absolute products;  public speaking?



Society member   Modifier: +1 Important
Skills: Budgeting (i.e. taxes), Time management, Sewing?



Content Producer   Modifier: +0 Critical
Skills: Time management, Public speaking, minor budgeting (non-free content production)



Healthy human    Modifier: +2 Mundane
Skills:  Budgeting (food, etc.), Proper exercising, nutrition, advanced cooking (i.e. healthy)


 
Functioning human    Modifier: +2 Mundane
Skills: Budgeting (hygiene products, clothing, etc.), Time management (for washing, hygiene)




Scientist / Entrepreneur Modifier: +2 Mundane
Skills: Budgeting (for any materials), Time management; none others required except those to be learned



Son / Brother    Modifier: +1 Important
Skills: Budgeting (gifts, etc.), Time management; none others required except those to be learned



Friend    Modifier: +2 Mundane
Skills: Budgeting (gifts, etc.), Time management; none others required except those to be learned



Practising Guitar player    Modifier: +3 Low
Skills: Budgeting (downloadable content i.e. songs), Time management; none others required except those to be developed through practice
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Well that's it.   Dear lord. Everything really does require money and time.

What's next?  I suppose I should start breaking things down. The *specific* tasks and what actual day-to-day skills they require. I hope to spend no more than three "sessions" doing this.

Let's plan to do it Saturday. (I'm busy tomorrow, and I don't want to plan anything Friday night.)

Sounds like a date.

Bedtime.

2014-01-04

Brainstorming for the long journey of Self-Improvement

Ugh, so I'm late. Finally got out of bed after twitting about it. About four hours from 11am, I'm here.   This highlights part of the problem. Yin doesn't respect the deadlines set by Yang, and without that fundamental cornerstone in place, the whole system collapses.

On the other hand, the fact that I'm here at all show I'm at least capable of fighting this problem. I'm not certain how to make Yin/Yang work together to take these self-made appointments more seriously, but as long as something happens, the engine still runs, however poorly.

Last time I spoke about my R&Gs.  Here they are again -

  • Role: Efficient, effective Content Producer

  • Role: Lifeform (eating, sleeping)
  • Role: Functioning social human (hygiene, dishes/laundry, apartment upkeep)
  • Role: Healthy human (entertainment, energy, introversion time off, therapy)
  • Role: Society member (finances, bills)
  • Role: Practicing guitar player (no specific goals; I just want to assign time to practice so it is a role)
  • Role: Employee of Absolute Software
  • Role: Son / Brother (family)
  • Role: Friend (Simon, Bryan, Colin, etc.)

  • Goal: Produce a "time / gravity" document to submit for peer-review
  • Goal: Produce educational videos for YouTube re: Quantum Mechanics
  • Goal: Maintain current weight or lose some weight (of a specific amount to be determined shortly)
  • Goal: Clean out the gamesroom closet
  • Goal: Reorganize the apartment for better space usage (assign specific, achievable goals later)
  • Goal: Expand my fucking wardrobe before I go naked
  • Goal: Eventual old man; I really need to start setting up long-term financial retirement plans

I've split the list up.

The primary role, me as an efficient, effective Content Producer, is at the top because it drives everything else. If I do not account for this role, I'm not just "winging" the role itself, I'm approaching my whole life from a casual perspective and there's no reason to think anything will ever change.  Yang will be unhappy and Yin will rule, driving me life in a negative trajectory.

The other roles are, as you'd guess, the various roles I need to adopt at different times in my life in order for my life to continue functioning. If I entirely fail to adopt one of these roles, my life won't necessarily collapse but there will be serious consequences and major changes in my life.

I've added a new role that's rather implicit but which deserves attention, Lifeform. Obviously failure to achieve the basic necessities of *this* role implies I *will die*. If I never eat and try to literally never sleep, the consequences will be catastrophic. Yet, I can't just take this role for granted. I *must* account for time to sleep, and budgeting to eat! "Winging" this role isn't as bad a winging my role as content producer, but it will make my role as content producer significantly harder.

(I can already hear Yin complaining. "You mean I'm going to be giving myself a bedtime? Dude what the fuck?!")

The goals should be approached separately, because they're achievable. I haven't checked whether my current list of goals matches the properties of "SMART goals" as defined by many-a-time-management program I've learned about but I can check that soon enough as I construct a roadmap between my life and roles, and the goals. (SMART = specific, manageable, achievable, .. err.. googling .. no, specific, measurable, action-oriented, reasonable, timely)

As suggested above, I want to build a roadmap for achieving these goals. If the goal requires prerequisites I don't have, I'll need to break down a map for acquiring each of these prerequisites. Then I can figure out the most efficient route between each of these "stops", like a real journey in a car.

(I've been trying to make time management work for me for a long time. This is the first time it has independently emerged by itself from my own self-improvement efforts. Interesting ....)
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Alright so, the goals I listed above can be temporarily set aside. They're important to me, but they're no more and no less than milestones in my journey of self-improvement, like destinations in a road-trip.

The thing I need to do first is make sure I'm prepared for the journey. Namely that I can refill the gas tank as I need to along the way, and that I have the "food/sleep" to keep myself energized through the trip. (That's literal but also figurative, as I need other things to keep me going; medicine, rest-time from abusive customers, etc.)

I suppose my next job is to prioritize the roles. I can skip a guitar practice and everything's fine, but if I skip a day of food, I'm in serious jeopardy.

What the hell, let's do it now.

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Priority levels -

(Physical - required to literally not die.

() Social - will let down people I care about.

() Time / Money management - involved in keeping my time and money in check. (May not require time or money itself, nor necessarily involve in acquiring or spending money)
Modifier - The modifier defines how important the role is:
  • Zero (0):  Critical. My life will cease to be manageable (or cease altogether) by failing to maintain this role. It will short-circuit *all* other roles.
  • One (1):  Important.  Serious negative consequences in my life will occur if I fail to maintain this role.  It will short-circuit one or more other roles.
  • Two (2): Mundane. No immediate, serious consequences will occur if I fail to maintain this role. If I ignore the role for too long, other roles may be affected.
  • Three (3): Low priority. I can forget it entirely for the rest of my life with no consequences to other roles.
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List of Roles

Content Producer   Modifier: +0 Critical
Lifeform    Modifier: +0 Critical
Functioning human    Modifier: +2 Mundane
Healthy human    Modifier: +2 Mundane
Society member   Modifier: +1 Important
Practising Guitar player    Modifier: +3 Low
Employee    Modifier: +1 Important
Son / Brother    Modifier: +1 Important
Friend    Modifier: +2 Mundane

Scientist / Entrepreneur Modifier: +2 Mundane

(New role - I can't believe I just about forgot Alpha!!  "Mundane" instead of "Low" priority because I'd kill myself if I was never allowed to dream outside of my immediate life.)

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Next task: Pretend each of these roles are jobs. Start compiling a list of skills required like I'm hiring for these jobs. With a list of skills, I can confirm what I have and what I need in my skillset to sufficiently maintain my performance in each of these roles.

After building skillsets, I can set up Metrics for performance. ....UGH this is beginning to sound so cold and vile... I suppose that's Yin talking.

However, I must keep true to my motto: "Produce or Perish".  Even if what I'm producing defies the concept of metrics,  e.g. friendship? art? dreaming?, it does NOT CHANGE THE FACT that all of these are WORTHLESS without production.

What is the meaning of friendship if you never talk to the friend, never see the friend, never have any communication with the friend whatsoever?  The answer is: none. Such a friendship is meaningless.

Fine, Yang, you convinced me. We push forward with this project.
Alright, as I was saying; next task: Compiling skill requirements in expectation of being able to set up metrics.

I'll schedule myself to begin .. not tomorrow, Sunday. I've pushed myself hard through Christmas and New Years so I deserve so go lightly. Wednesday, the day after my next session with my therapist.

Wednesday it is.

2014-01-02

2014: Produce or Perish

I'm not going to say much here as I really ought to be in bed.


Now marks the transformation of my project into strictly an educational venture; to teach and learn Quantum Mechanics. I've changed the artwork and the title of the page already, but that's just piddly stuff.  However, despite my motto ("Produce or Perish" based on David Wong's writings from here - http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/), I didn't want to jump into anything heavy yet.

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A corollary of "Produce or Perish" is the need to figure out how to be the people (person) who are capable of achieving each of my goals and fulfilling each of the roles I need to fill. I can build a list of the tasks I need to perform, rather like building a list of needed skills in a new hire for a job. Furthermore, I can maximize my effectiveness by finding overlaps in the qualities of each "person" I need to "hire", and trying to shed qualities I have (or things that I do, people I interact with) that do not help me.


So, who do I need to hire?  What goals do I want to achieve and what roles do I want to fill?  I think it serves me best to separate and explicitly list these.
  • Goal: Produce a "time / gravity" document to submit for peer-review
  • Goal: Produce educational videos for YouTube re: Quantum Mechanics
  • Goal: Maintain current weight or lose some weight (of a specific amount to be determined shortly)
  • Goal: Clean out the gamesroom closet
  • Goal: Reorganize the apartment for better space usage (assign specific, achievable goals later)
  • Goal: Expand my fucking wardrobe before I go naked
  • Goal: Eventual old man; I really need to start setting up long-term financial retirement plans
  • Role: Functioning human (hygiene, dishes/laundry, apartment upkeep)
  • Role: Healthy human (entertainment, energy, introversion time off, therapy)
  • Role: Society member (finances, bills)
  • Role: Practicing guitar player (no specific goals; I just want to assign time to practice so it is a role)
  • Role: Employee of Absolute Software
  • Role: Son / Brother (family)
  • Role: Friend (Simon, Bryan, Colin, etc.)
  • Role: Efficient, effective Content Producer

The last one implies the rest (for me at least; it would imply different goals and roles for different people). The opposite of all goals and all roles is to be a consumer, purely consuming content and giving nothing back to anyone, not even myself in the long run.  I'm already beginning to fulfill my duties as a good Producer by writing this blog but that's just the very beginning.


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Interestingly, I haven't explicitly listed time management or budgeting as goals or roles, the closest thing being my role as a society member. It occurs to me that this is a very good point. In the past I've always thought of these as other roles, namely the proper management of my time and my money, to be scheduled into the calendar with everything else.


Yet, time management and budgeting are never goals or roles. Instead they are tools, means to specific ends. It makes as little sense to explicitly list time- and money-management as it does to list "blogging" as a goal. Blogging about what? To what end? You can't do it without a purpose. Granted, time and money affect everything across the board, unlike blogging, but the principle is the same.


Looking at time- and money-management in this light, not everything necessarily requires scheduling or budgeting all the time, always. It only makes sense if the tool supports the goal. This is the point of "mad money", for example. Money that is expressly not allocated towards a specific purpose. That said, just about everything useful or fun requires time and money, so few things should escape being scheduled and budgeted.

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This is a bit of a tangent, but I had originally slated this blog for my project and I was going to leave my personal life out of it.  I can't avoid that now, not with this approach.  So be it.


Note that the above list is superficially similar to the approach I fiddled with in early 2013, with my different personas and masks. That approach dropped away because it wasn't particularly useful, and I was left with only 2-3 personas which I'm now calling Yin and Yang (or more familiarly, Capn and RPG). I have an Alpha personality built to drive us towards my Prime Directive, the production of a theory of time / gravity, but he's more of a mask of Yang.


The difference here is that the list I produced above is not a list of personalities or masks. Instead, they are roles that my existing personalities must cooperate to fulfill.  I need to train Yin and Yang to work together to perform these jobs, like they're stranded on a lonely island together and need to perform these duties to survive.

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Next task; to figure out what skills are required for each of my goals and roles.  I should also start thinking about the constraints I'm working under. Constraints aren't goals I'm trying to achieve, nor are they roles I'm trying to fulfill. Instead they are obstacles that make it more challenging to meet my goals or fulfill my roles in certain ways.


Goals and Roles. Maybe I'll start calling them GNR?   Nah, that just gives me an Appetite for Destruction. Don't Cry, Sweet Child O' Mine. Welcome to the Jungle.   R&G - Roles and Goals. I like that better. I suppose this blog is going to become bigger. The steps I'm taking to fulfill my R&G list.


Til next time, folks.


OH! Yang had a thought. Instead of just signing off and leaving it, I should schedule a time to next look at this and continue. If I'm going to fulfill my role of Content Producer, I can't just let it sit and forget about it. I need to start actually DOING these things. Fine. I'll schedule it for the weekend. (I don't want to schedule during the work week because everything is so bloody overwhelmed with the holidays.)

Saturday, 11am.   Cheers @ Yang/Yin.