2014-01-12

Co-opted blog

So I'm visiting a therapist on a regular basis, let's call him Tom and let's call me Frank. (Names changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.)


He's attempting to teach me to be more mindful of the emotions that surge forth in me, where I'm still trying to figure out exactly what "mindful" means. It seems to be an almost entirely objective awareness of the emotions so that, rather than trying to suppress  (necessarily) or control them, I can direct them like the flow of a river.

I'm also attempting to acclimate myself to unfounded fears (like the fear of .. I'll just say it .. spontaneously urinating in public). Becoming acclimated is the first step. Once that's done, I can forget the fear entirely. Like managing the fear of jumping out of a plane by doing it over and over and over.

Who knows though, maybe I've got it all wrong.

The title of this blog entry is in reference to the fact that Tom has asked me to try and be aware of the emotions I'm feeling while I write my "script" for the first video of my second attempt at posting to YouTube; the continuation of my gravity project. I'm regretting that because I worry that by giving the project a second purpose (as a tool for self-analysis), I'll pull it away from the first (as a tool to help me learn Quantum Mechanics).

However, Alpha doesn't care. He's holding fast to the motto, Produce or Perish. I can hear him shouting it over and over like a mantra. He's having trouble fighting Yin, but then again.. I'm here aren't I?  Anyway, I have titled this blog "Self-Improvement and Quantum Mechanics" so I suppose it fits.

Alright so, Tom asked me to list my emotions when I am writing my first script. Here comes the script and I'll follow up with a listing of what I'm feeling, with the intention of practicing my skills at looking inward objectively.

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I don't want my first video of the second incarnation of the channel to be complex or fancy or (relatively) polished, as they were in the first incarnation. Instead it should just be me with a pencil, talking.

I basically just want to describe the goal of the channel and the major milestones:
  • Goal: Teach Quantum Mechanics clearly and explicitly, but through a bare-bones route from basic (highschool) math and algebra.
The major milestones are listed on that sheet of milestones I whipped up:

The image is rough but I'll post a clearer version (or hell, just write it out), later. Ultimately it will end up on the YouTube channel anyway.

Wow, that was shorter than I thought. I suppose I'm done for now. It's not a script but I don't want to use a script. Instead I want to get comfortable with just "presentation-talking", i.e. going over the stuff I want to talk about in a casual engagey manner to an audience. No second takes, but no second takes required.  I'll use the list of milestones and the goal listed above as my touchstones.

Otherwise it should look and feel a lot like the Khan Academy videos, but I don't want to explicitly mention that in the video either.

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Now to discuss my "inputs", the stuff being funnelled into my brain, everything I'm feeling. Again this is to get practice with inward-facing analysis.

I feel the chair beneath my bum, my legs and foot, my elbow. I feel the carpet through my other foot. I feel my arm against my tummy and the keyboard beneath my fingertips. I feel my tongue in my mouth, rough from eating throughout the day. I feel my tummy not at all hungry and in fact a bit full from the potato chips. I'm not thirsty but I desire cola. I imagine the cool of it going down my throat. Itches, scratches, random patches on my chin and because of my beard. Crap, now I feel other itches on my arm and head. Especially my head. I don't have to urinate right now and my bladder feels a bit sore from holding it in while I was just emerging out of sleep and too tired to pee this morning.

I hear the repetitive buzzing of my fan and my computer's fan. The clicking and clacking of the keys on the keyboard. I wonder if the voice in my head counts as "hearing" ?  The creaks and groans of my chair.  Is that someone hammering outside? At this time of night? Whatever it was, it's gone now. I commented on it because it registered in my memory from maybe a minute ago (now two). I hear my yawn and my body making those indescribable joint noises, halfway between a crack and a thump. Yup someone's hammering. Trying to deconstruct the room fan: there's the steady whine of moving air and several cyclic clicks of differing variety.

I don't taste much, but a bit of salt from the potato chips. Tongue is a bit burnt from a too-hot dinner. Being aware of my bladder like this makes me think more about urinating. Feel the wet in my eyes as I yawn more, and my eyes water.  Hear my fridge change gears to a now-audible pitch, which it does regularly.

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Okay I'm officially bored and I think I've captured all the input I possibly can at this point.

Despite the fact I'm working on self-improvement across the board, I want to keep setting aside time exclusively for gravity, so let's start doing that. I want to produce my first YouTube video next week. Despite my earlier suggestion, I do want to have some sort of list of topics to go through if not a complete script, to guide my casual chatting. I'll do that.. Wednesday, because I'll have the time.

Wednesday at 7:30pm. Sounds good. I'll mark my calendar.

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