So, after further talks with my therapist, I'm becoming convinced that he's uncovering a definite pattern in my behaviour. The best defence is an utter lack of participation, or so I seem to tell myself.
It's true, I suppose. I know even consciously I've thought to myself that I'd rather not get involved when things get messy. It's a bit of egoism, because I imagine myself to be better than those filthy animals that choose to get involved in the mud and blood, tearing each other apart. They seem to act on instinct and without any civility.
The thing is, I'm using it as a shield to defend myself against a lot of good things. I think my whole life has been about pain avoidance instead of standing up and making real choices, and accepting the consequences. Or maybe I'm being dramatic.
(.. or maybe I'm NOT being dramatic and that "Or.." statement is another reflection of my unwillingness to stand behind my serious claims.)
Self analysis is tricky. The doctor who tries to heal himself has a P'tagh as a patient.
Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, onward and upward. No rest for the wicked.
I'd like to examine my different roles further but using a tool gleaned from my therapy; namely with *positive* reinforcement rather than negative reinforcement. I've always understood the difference intellectually (because they're rather obvious) but never really *felt* the difference before. I would talk about positive reinforcement in the past but it was a shallow specter of genuine positive reinforcement. The real reinforcement that has cropped up in my life is negative reinforcement and it drives me to a large degree but also makes me unhappy.
The real question now is .. what rewards will drive me? I'm looking at the question in a new light now, that I can't easily describe.
If I can get a good reward system working, I can maybe build a real system for mechanistically pushing my motivation.
On top of that I'd like to start managing my budget.. to start paying for my tutor again!! It will be nice to resume my studies in Quantum Mechanics (though I'm quite nervous).
Alright, I'm tired. Bedtime.
(I really should start planning to do this blog in the middle of the day when I'm not tired.)
Oh and I still plan to do videos as well, but maybe I'll put it off until I get this self-management under control. My therapy sessions are making me re-evaluate my approach to a lot of things in my life. (I don't know if I'm repeating myself now, as I'm typing this from a distance and can hardly make out the text.)
SO for next time, continue with breaking down my roles and start building them up again from the ground up, infusing the idea of positive reinforcement as well. And rewards. What drives me?